Lately I feel like I live in a bubble of happiness. In it is Lily, my family, and a few choice friends. Everybody else seems to try to see past the iridescent swirl that sequesters me, some even dare to poke it. But the film is thick, and it wiggles, but refuses to pop.
Tonight Lily and I found the Bicentennial Moon Tree in Philly, which was from a sycamore seed that had been on the Apollo flight to the moon. Amazing, yes? MOOOOOOON TREEEEEEE! that's what I'd say instead of TIMBER. Not that I'd ever even chop it down. But if I leave for a few months, chances are when I return, Brent will have hacked it down, if not uprooted it.
This city is a bunch of misfits all crammed in, overlapping one another. I thinks it's delightful chaos, sweet anarchy. I had to walk it tonight. I had just gotten off a call from an old friend who's dealing with a very unhappy marriage. I remembered the exact stage she was in, and my heart just broke. She'll be through so much more pain before it ends, if it ever ends, and she's already in so much...
On our walk back, I saw two boys wave an old lady over to their car, sweetly asking for directions, and the moment she began to respond, rip the briefcase from her shoulder, shove her into the street, and drive off to her screams. Had I been aware that I was even on earth, I might have memorized the license plate or realized it wasn't just another drunk girl tripping over the curb.
The assulted woman came running over to me. She was so upset and so preoccupied about her briefcase, I had to lift up her skirt to check for injuries. I don't think she realized she'd even taken a bad fall she was in so much shock. Her knees were covers in scrapes, blood oozing from gashes, bruises already visible. She was old, and I wondered if she'd ever walk the same way again. She kept brushing me aside, saying they were fine. Shaking fingers dialed the police. Her spirit was in such a frenzy, I couldn't engage her. So as she got even more worked up, I just talked to the police for her, then they drove off in pursuit, as if they'd really find them.
It wasn't until 10 minutes later that I started crying by the drinks fridges at Pac a Deli, deliberating over bottle water. Why is there so much pain in this world? If I live in a bubble of happiness, is the moving swirl that surround me the tears of the world? is there only pain outside?
April 28, 2009
April 12, 2009
quote of the day
"Lily, can you lick away my tears?" - mom after half crying, half laughing
congrats on two consecutive quotes, mom!
congrats on two consecutive quotes, mom!
April 11, 2009
April 9, 2009
the best day
What a great day I just had! One of the best days of my life, I think. And to think it started with a severe stomach ache...
Tonight I took my mother out for guacamole at a spunky Mexican restaurant a few blocks away. On our walk there, we decide to cross when our ped sign is a red hand. Two steps into the street, car lights suddenly shine from about 2 blocks away. My mother starts screaming and running which, of course, is about the time I start shaking my head and laughing as I casually, coolly meet her on the sidewalk five seconds later. Then I remember how I was my first time taking risks in foreign cities and I smile and roll my eyes at how alike we can once in a while be.
Tonight I took my mother out for guacamole at a spunky Mexican restaurant a few blocks away. On our walk there, we decide to cross when our ped sign is a red hand. Two steps into the street, car lights suddenly shine from about 2 blocks away. My mother starts screaming and running which, of course, is about the time I start shaking my head and laughing as I casually, coolly meet her on the sidewalk five seconds later. Then I remember how I was my first time taking risks in foreign cities and I smile and roll my eyes at how alike we can once in a while be.
April 2, 2009
March 30, 2009
antsy
I feel ridiculously antsy lately. Drinking coffee and staying up thinking about it isn't helping. I'm not sure why I feel so restless. Why do I always feel the need to travel, to get away? What am I running from? Why can everyone else stay still? Is it just that I have the travel bug worse than everyone else? Or is it that other people fear traveling? Why am I so unstable?
Right now all I can think about is the outdoors. I wish I was in Tennesse fishing, gardening, riding horses, running through fields of wildflowers with Lily. I want to be barefoot with muddy toes chasing bullfrogs.
Here, I feel so trapped. I keep going on walks, but nothing's helping. The city is covered in trash and urbanites hurrying nowhere. The people here have forgotten how to breathe. I'm one of those people. I can't exactly remember how either.
Maybe that's why I want to get away. Maybe instead of realizing that step one in learning to breathe is to learn to do it wherever I am, I seek a place where I can feel at ease to learn how. Maybe I'm seeking the fresh start that doesn't exist. Worst of all, maybe I'm finally in the right place to truly learn how and in every way I'm on the right track, but I'm tricking myself into running away because I constantly hurt myself on purpose.
I'll think on that as I turn on the coffee pot.
Right now all I can think about is the outdoors. I wish I was in Tennesse fishing, gardening, riding horses, running through fields of wildflowers with Lily. I want to be barefoot with muddy toes chasing bullfrogs.
Here, I feel so trapped. I keep going on walks, but nothing's helping. The city is covered in trash and urbanites hurrying nowhere. The people here have forgotten how to breathe. I'm one of those people. I can't exactly remember how either.
Maybe that's why I want to get away. Maybe instead of realizing that step one in learning to breathe is to learn to do it wherever I am, I seek a place where I can feel at ease to learn how. Maybe I'm seeking the fresh start that doesn't exist. Worst of all, maybe I'm finally in the right place to truly learn how and in every way I'm on the right track, but I'm tricking myself into running away because I constantly hurt myself on purpose.
I'll think on that as I turn on the coffee pot.
March 26, 2009
One Little Bird
I was just looking out my window, and I saw a cardinal. Naturally, I go ahead and shout out, "Illinois State Bird!" which of course startles the creature into flight, causing me to scream and swat at nothing because I'm in my kitchen and the bird is in a tree four blocks away. Ignoring my collection of useless facts where more positive information could be stored and dismissing my unhinged desire to torture myself, at the sight of that bird, I felt overwhelmed by childhood memories, instantly happier, more alive. I miss my Calvary and Thornwood friends.
Margot, Brie, Patty, Kristina (I know we haven't known each other well for long or maybe even yet, but I think about you often:), Marcus, Chris K, Justin G (how's wordmaster? i stopped doing it after 8 lessons too...), you are wonderful treasures. My life would be so much for the worse without you. Thank you for being unique, fabulous, simply beautiful!
Oh, and don't worry about a thing.
Margot, Brie, Patty, Kristina (I know we haven't known each other well for long or maybe even yet, but I think about you often:), Marcus, Chris K, Justin G (how's wordmaster? i stopped doing it after 8 lessons too...), you are wonderful treasures. My life would be so much for the worse without you. Thank you for being unique, fabulous, simply beautiful!
Oh, and don't worry about a thing.
quote of the day
"You know the job is a keeper when the CEO starts taking you on bar crawls." - Holly F
March 23, 2009
the moon
I was cleaning my apt today and found this poem in an old stack of paperwork from middle school. If I had to guess, I'd say this one was written in 6th grade. I don't really know how wedges don't have edges; you'd have to ask 11 year old me for clarification. However, that last stanza? I impressed myself.
The Moon
Ya know that giant yellow hunk
That lives up in the sky?
People think that it's a rock
But I know that's a lie.
I know that the moon is really
A very big cheese wedge
It is a gigantic ball
Without a point or edge.
So the next time you get hungry
For a great big ball of cheese
Remember to ask very sweetly,
"Can you pass me a little moon, please?"
The Moon
Ya know that giant yellow hunk
That lives up in the sky?
People think that it's a rock
But I know that's a lie.
I know that the moon is really
A very big cheese wedge
It is a gigantic ball
Without a point or edge.
So the next time you get hungry
For a great big ball of cheese
Remember to ask very sweetly,
"Can you pass me a little moon, please?"
March 21, 2009
invisibility has its drawbacks
So one of my favorite gchat features is the invisibility option. I like seeing who's online without letting them see me, just in case I don't feel like chatting. Rude, but true. Regardless the people I talk to daily know I'm pretty much on there all day, every day.
In other news, my brother has had busy season going on with his CPA job since early Feb. On top of that, he lost his phone so I haven't talked to him in over a month. But tonight, he called me! We talked for ages and ages and at the end, we decided we needed to catch up more often.
The convo went a little something like this:
Me: "You know, I'm on gchat, like, all the time if you ever want to chat."
Brent: "I've looked for you on there, but I haven't seen you."
Me: "I haven't seen you on there! But you wouldn't see me because I'm invisible."
Brent: "Yeah, me too."
All the time we could have been talking, wasted because we both wanted the upper hand. Now tell me we aren't siblings!
In other news, my brother has had busy season going on with his CPA job since early Feb. On top of that, he lost his phone so I haven't talked to him in over a month. But tonight, he called me! We talked for ages and ages and at the end, we decided we needed to catch up more often.
The convo went a little something like this:
Me: "You know, I'm on gchat, like, all the time if you ever want to chat."
Brent: "I've looked for you on there, but I haven't seen you."
Me: "I haven't seen you on there! But you wouldn't see me because I'm invisible."
Brent: "Yeah, me too."
All the time we could have been talking, wasted because we both wanted the upper hand. Now tell me we aren't siblings!
March 20, 2009
fish jerky
So I'm on the Chintatown bus heading back from NYC, and I'm watching this couple eat something that looked like large, sundried banana chips, except brownish gray, the color of monkey brain paste in my head. (Thanks for that image all those years ago, Darcy. It's still there!)
I spent a good five minutes watching their teeth rip! chew, chew, chew... rip!
I can't take it any more. "Excuse me, what are you eating?"
The bus had been silent but for the unstable creekiness from too many journeys. I feel eyes move and hear people shift to assess the voice that dared interrupt the familiar thoughtlessness of the trip.
"Fish jerky," the guy answers.
"Uhhhhh, what?"
"It's like beef jerky, only it's fish and it's got a sweet and sour tang." He shows me the bag. Of course it's a bag from some Chinese shop somewhere on Broadway, and of course, if it's Chinese, it has a to have a sweet and sour tang. "Want to try some?"
I look at the woman. She's eyeing me, still deciding on whether or not I threaten her world.
"Do you like it?" I ask her.
She nods and smiles. She'll trust me...for the moment.
"Yes, please, then!" I can't say no to the unfamiliar, the untried, the unknown.
He offers me the bag and I select a small chip, which I can now see was two teeny fish: fried, dried, and held together by sugary, sour mix. Here goes...
It's delightfully sweet, salty, new and disgusting all at the same time. I'm crunching itsy fin bones. (ughhhhh! the fish taste!) I am Predator.
I can't say I'd buy it, I can't say I'd try it (again), but wow! Fish jerky! Who knew? ME NOW :)
Thanks, Chinatown bus!!
I spent a good five minutes watching their teeth rip! chew, chew, chew... rip!
I can't take it any more. "Excuse me, what are you eating?"
The bus had been silent but for the unstable creekiness from too many journeys. I feel eyes move and hear people shift to assess the voice that dared interrupt the familiar thoughtlessness of the trip.
"Fish jerky," the guy answers.
"Uhhhhh, what?"
"It's like beef jerky, only it's fish and it's got a sweet and sour tang." He shows me the bag. Of course it's a bag from some Chinese shop somewhere on Broadway, and of course, if it's Chinese, it has a to have a sweet and sour tang. "Want to try some?"
I look at the woman. She's eyeing me, still deciding on whether or not I threaten her world.
"Do you like it?" I ask her.
She nods and smiles. She'll trust me...for the moment.
"Yes, please, then!" I can't say no to the unfamiliar, the untried, the unknown.
He offers me the bag and I select a small chip, which I can now see was two teeny fish: fried, dried, and held together by sugary, sour mix. Here goes...
It's delightfully sweet, salty, new and disgusting all at the same time. I'm crunching itsy fin bones. (ughhhhh! the fish taste!) I am Predator.
I can't say I'd buy it, I can't say I'd try it (again), but wow! Fish jerky! Who knew? ME NOW :)
Thanks, Chinatown bus!!
March 18, 2009
where do these people come from?
So Marisa and I went to Dark Horse last night for St. Paddy's day, and as we're chatting at the bar, these guys send us over drinks. Honestly, we don't really feel like paying for our drinks by means of conversation (i.e. alcohol prostitution) so I just send a note back saying thanks with a shamrock for good luck. Of course, when I gave it to the bartender to deliver, she wrinkled her nose and asked, "What is this, the schoolyard?" Yeah...kinda....
An hour or so later, they come over with jokes. Damn them! Can't... resist... jokes....
Aside from the fact that they were ridiculously nerdy, they were really cool guys. I mean, we talked about superheros and our powers for twenty minutes! And comic book nerds are cool in my (comic) book. One of them was engaged and the other was into IT networking and something or another, I wasn't really paying attention. When Mar and I got up to leave, the IT guy asked me if he could give me his number.
When I got outside and opened it up, he'd written the whole thing, swear to Pan, in binary. It looked something like this:
10101001010101 0101010100101010101 010101010101010100111100 10100101011111 0000010010101010 100101010101010101010 010101010010101011010 10101010010101011010 0101010101010
...or something like that. And not only that, but I'd been given a key for deciphering.
Ummmm, who are these people?!?!? Do they really exist?
Yeah, you're right. I know I secretly loved it.
An hour or so later, they come over with jokes. Damn them! Can't... resist... jokes....
Aside from the fact that they were ridiculously nerdy, they were really cool guys. I mean, we talked about superheros and our powers for twenty minutes! And comic book nerds are cool in my (comic) book. One of them was engaged and the other was into IT networking and something or another, I wasn't really paying attention. When Mar and I got up to leave, the IT guy asked me if he could give me his number.
When I got outside and opened it up, he'd written the whole thing, swear to Pan, in binary. It looked something like this:
10101001010101 0101010100101010101 010101010101010100111100 10100101011111 0000010010101010 100101010101010101010 010101010010101011010 10101010010101011010 0101010101010
...or something like that. And not only that, but I'd been given a key for deciphering.
Ummmm, who are these people?!?!? Do they really exist?
Yeah, you're right. I know I secretly loved it.
March 17, 2009
mirages
You walked away,
Something burdening your stride
Your looked back, eyes beckoning me to follow
Why didn't I walk after you?
Why didn't I run myself breathless?
Fear hypnotized me, numbing me
It suffocated my voice so no words could escape
My soul threw itself against my chest
Desperate to escape me, it grappled after yours, fingers outstretched.
You were just a step away.
But it was too far away.
I watched you walk away.
Why didn't I run myself breathless?
Every day is punishment,
Payback for a pause.
My soul won't stop searching
Straining, yanking,
Only finding mirages.
My mind tortures, crystal memories
Ever running, ever collapsing
Not soon enough will I be
Breathless.
Something burdening your stride
Your looked back, eyes beckoning me to follow
Why didn't I walk after you?
Why didn't I run myself breathless?
Fear hypnotized me, numbing me
It suffocated my voice so no words could escape
My soul threw itself against my chest
Desperate to escape me, it grappled after yours, fingers outstretched.
You were just a step away.
But it was too far away.
I watched you walk away.
Why didn't I run myself breathless?
Every day is punishment,
Payback for a pause.
My soul won't stop searching
Straining, yanking,
Only finding mirages.
My mind tortures, crystal memories
Ever running, ever collapsing
Not soon enough will I be
Breathless.
March 16, 2009
in with the new!
I'm over that secret, cryptic blog. It's time for me to voice the truths as I know them, and there's only one way I know well how to do that - I'm giving you people access to my head through my words.
So, let this next wave of bloggaging begin! I hope you find it enjoyable. Who knows? Maybe you'll discover unbeknown similarities between us. But most importantly, I hope I find myself a better person as days pass and entries post.
deep breath... here goes nothing, anything, maybe something.
So, let this next wave of bloggaging begin! I hope you find it enjoyable. Who knows? Maybe you'll discover unbeknown similarities between us. But most importantly, I hope I find myself a better person as days pass and entries post.
deep breath... here goes nothing, anything, maybe something.
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