antsy

I feel ridiculously antsy lately. Drinking coffee and staying up thinking about it isn't helping. I'm not sure why I feel so restless. Why do I always feel the need to travel, to get away? What am I running from? Why can everyone else stay still? Is it just that I have the travel bug worse than everyone else? Or is it that other people fear traveling? Why am I so unstable?

Right now all I can think about is the outdoors. I wish I was in Tennesse fishing, gardening, riding horses, running through fields of wildflowers with Lily. I want to be barefoot with muddy toes chasing bullfrogs.

Here, I feel so trapped. I keep going on walks, but nothing's helping. The city is covered in trash and urbanites hurrying nowhere. The people here have forgotten how to breathe. I'm one of those people. I can't exactly remember how either.

Maybe that's why I want to get away. Maybe instead of realizing that step one in learning to breathe is to learn to do it wherever I am, I seek a place where I can feel at ease to learn how. Maybe I'm seeking the fresh start that doesn't exist. Worst of all, maybe I'm finally in the right place to truly learn how and in every way I'm on the right track, but I'm tricking myself into running away because I constantly hurt myself on purpose.

I'll think on that as I turn on the coffee pot.